i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
