I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
