I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
