If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
