And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
