I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
