This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
