New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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