I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
