I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
