***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
