plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
zippers are such a cool invention
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
