I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
