i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
