Swine flu. Run for my life!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
