Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
