That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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