My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I met the friendliest cop last night
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
