How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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