this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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