I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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