I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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