my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
