Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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