I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
