Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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