i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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