I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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