jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
