i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i love accidental penises.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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