i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
