Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
