I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
