You're completely useless in the revolution.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
