There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
