I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
