Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my being single is dangerous.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
