duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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