i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
