I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
