i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
