I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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