The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
