I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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