Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
