remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
