Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
