I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
