I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
