I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
