Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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