just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
