forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
