I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
