Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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