dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
